For roughly the last 2 1/2 years I have spent my days toiling at a newspaper. Yes, people still read newspapers.
My desk happens to be located near the sports department and while I’ve grown to love the lot of sarcastic bros, I’ve rarely been able to understand what they’re talking about.
I don’t watch sports, I don’t care about sports and any knowledge I do have is based solely on what I’ve seen in movies.
I learned early on not to ask what things mean because they tease me relentlessly, so instead I started writing them down. The following are things I’ve overheard.
“Does a sack count as a rush?”
“Last time, running backs carried the ball 17% of the plays.”
“Ugh.”*long, drawnout groan*
“Thanks for calling but I’m working.” *hangs up
“I don’t necessarily want to be ‘that dumb ass’ when I die.”
“I just checked my voicemail for the first time since September 2012.”-in Aug. 2014
“He threw a golf ball at you!?”
“Sometimes you’ll have a left D and a right D.”
“Have you been working out, or what? Yeah, that’s good. Where do you go? Yeah, that’s good for ya.”-on the phone with a source.
“He put it on his face…his social…his social media Facebook. His Twitter.”
“So how do you pronounce that name? Kennis? You see that? It’s like, Kenny y-s or something.”
“The whole purpose of the league is bullshit.”
“He’s a baseball nerd.”
“The password is taco.”
“Unfortunately, I drained my hot tub two days ago.”
“How many teams sack bunt their three-hitter.”
“Tennis? It’s like golf. It’s a spectator sport. It’s where people are cheered on by moms and dads.”
*A 10-minute conversation where one sports writer who recently found out what a Chinese Fire Drill is explained the concept to another sports writer who didn’t know.
“This top-down shit is for the birds.”
“Do you know how much curling shoes cost? $300! Seriously!”
“Was your wife a hippie back in the day?”
“Yeahhhh I think so.”
“The truth is we don’t give a shit about either of your shitty schools. We want you to lose as soon as possible so we don’t have to cover either of your shitty teams.”
“We don’t hate Central, we hate everyone. We hate parents. We hate refs. We hate players. We hate the teams. We hate people who call us.”
“Aw man. If somebody gives me cheesecake they can call me Ed Schultz, I don’t care.”
“She’s pretty hot.”
*everybody freaks out and is disgusted*
“At my age, you aren’t picky. I mean…take the wrinkles out. She’s got a couple of neck wrinkles.”
“It’s amazing how bad the Wolves are.”
“That one girl, she just looked like a linebacker.”
“I loved coaching girls. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had with my clothes on.”
“Bakken! There are ladies in here!”
“I don’t see any ladies. I see a couple women, but no ladies.”
(On the phone) “Huh.” *Sounds surprised* “You speak English really well.”
“Blah blah blah blah Grand Forks has done so much for me blah blah blah.”
“Not asshole cocky, but you know, so confident in himself.”
“UND’s on the bubble on both ends.”